


limbo

by imiriad



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bathing/Washing, Dimension Travel, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-27 20:23:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21124700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imiriad/pseuds/imiriad
Summary: It breaks Ludger to do it once. He can't do it again.





	limbo

"Ludger? Don't tell me you forgot something again..." Julius turns to glance over his shoulder, wearing that same kind smile Ludger had always loved.

There's a pang in his chest. Then relief, reassurance. This isn't the end. Ludger would be able to see it more from now on.

As soon as Julius catches sight of Ludger, he jumps in his seat. The newspaper is dropped onto the floor, completely forgotten as he dashes to Ludger's side. "What happened!? Where did all this—are you hurt?!" Julius asks in a rush, eyes wide.

Yes and no. Ludger presses his lips together so they don't tremble. He shakes his head. Too jarred to take the answer as fact, Julius runs his hands over Ludger's body, checking for signs of injury, any twitch or recoil from pain. Ludger still has the bruises from before, but nothing fresh. Nothing that would sting under his brother's gentle touch. "Ludger," Julius finally says, looking into his face. "Just tell me what happened."

The warmth of Julius's hands, his concerned face so close, caring for him like a normal brother. Like nothing bad had ever happened—because it hadn't. Not here. But he... Ludger can feel his head clouding, his breath hitching in his throat.

"Sorry," comes out in a sob. His eyes are burning, but Ludger holds back any tears. "I'm so sorry, Julius." His voice begins to waver and his body follows, insides quivering like a platter of aspic. He wants so badly to reach out and embrace Julius, but a part of him thinks he doesn't deserve it. Seeing Julius's carefree smile once more should be enough. How can he still be so self-centered and indecisive, even after the choices he'd already made?

Ludger lowers his head. He can't find the strength to look at Julius and lie to him now. _Please don't ask me again_, he thinks. If his brother did, he might have to tell him the truth.

The question doesn't come. Julius had always been able to hear Ludger's unspoken pleas, the things in his heart that he wasn't quite ready to voice, ever since he was a child. Instead, Julius reaches out for his hands, holding them gently in his own. Ludger stares at black glove on his left. How far had his transformation progressed in this world...?

Julius lets out a small sigh, and pulls back. "I'll call in for you. Then, we'll get you cleaned up, okay?" It was the smooth, unassuming tone Julius used whenever Ludger was afraid or upset.

Slowly, Ludger nods.

Julius steps into the bathroom to fill the tub with water as he opens his GHS. Ludger only catches bits of the conversation, too focused on the line of his brother's body and the timbre of his voice to pay attention to the content. Julius handles the situation with such calmness, like he knew one day Ludger would come home a complete mess, unable to offer an explanation.

Maybe he did. Julius knows everything, Ludger thinks bitterly.

Once the bath is ready and his GHS back in his jacket pocket, Julius comes for him. Ludger lets him lead him by the hand and undo his tie and buttons, because he doesn't want him to realize how badly his fingertips are still shaking.

"Arms up," Julius directs, and pulls off his undershirt. He doesn't ask about the marks on his body, only frowns slightly. "Pants, too." Ludger steps out of them, and Julius piles them on top of his shirts. "I should be able to get the stains out before they dry completely," he mutters, examining the red-flecked bundle in his arms.

At first, Ludger thinks his words are unbelievably casual, until he remembers that Julius had been working as an agent since before they'd even met. He almost wants to laugh from the absurdity of it all. Getting blood out of the laundry is just another chore Julius had been dealing with for years, huh?

"I'll be right in the other room," Julius says, and shuts the door behind him.

Left to his own devices, Ludger finishes undressing and slips into the warm bathwater. The heat eases his sore muscles and slowly begins to take away some of the tension. Like this, it's almost like it hadn't even happened—as long as he ignored the bathwater, with swirls of red slowly turning it all pink-orange.

Blood.

There'd been so much. So different than fighting a divergence catalyst, or a Chromatus. Julius's body hadn't even—

Ludger's throat tightens up. He remembers the weight of it on his lance. "Julius," Ludger chokes out, breathless. Then, his voice rises in a panic. "Julius!"

The door bursts open, and there he is, brow furrowed even deeper than before. Julius. Still here. Not a hallucination or illusion. "What!? What's wrong, Ludger?"

Ludger lets out a long breath, and shakes his head. "I just... wanted to make sure you didn't leave." _Not again._

Despite the odd words, Julius relaxes and comes closer, and then takes a seat at the edge of the tub. "'Course I didn't." His hand ruffles Ludger's hair. Heavy. Tangible. Alive. He waits for Ludger's breathing to even out, before he tentatively stands. "I'll leave the door open."

Ludger wants him to stay right here where he can see him, where he can be assured of his existence, but he knows that saying so will only make Julius worry. "Okay..."

Julius gives him a soft smile and pats his head. Before he walks out the door, however, he begins to hum. Ludger is immediately touched by the significance of it, his heart easing. He's humming so that Ludger can hear him, over the distance and the noise of the kitchen faucet. So that even if Ludger can't see him, he'd know Julius is still there.

The Hymn of Proof. A song of longing to see someone.

If he woke up from this dream, it wouldn't matter how many times he sang it. He'd never see Julius again.

Selfish, isn't he?

He thinks of Elle. She wanted to see him, too, but Ludger had run away from that. He'd chosen her over Julius, and then, once he'd been faced with the consequences of his own decision, he was unable to bear it. Ludger broke down and retreated. Hid here. Even though he knows full well that saving Elle would be best way to honor Julius's sacrifice...

Ludger shakes those thoughts from his head. Elle will be safe. He'd created the soul bridge, so now, the others could save her without him. They can shoulder that responsibility themselves, and find the strength to put everything right in the world, despite the cost. _They_ are the ones who deserve to be called "heroes."

He isn't anything besides a murderer, and a coward.

Ludger unplugs the tub, and watches the bloodied water swirl down the drain. Stopping it again, he turns on the tap and fills it with new water, clean and clear. What point is there in dwelling on the past now? What is done is done, and the consequences will follow, whether he wants them or not. Until that moment, he should just enjoy the present... right?

Julius lets him stew in the bathroom for a long while. It's been at least twenty minutes before he steps in to drop a change of clothes onto the vanity. "Don't forget to wash your hair," he says. "Or do you need your big brother to do it?"

"Yeah," slips free from Ludger's lips. When he sees the surprise on Julius's face, he's sure he'll just brush off his childish request. Instead, Julius grabs the shower head and Ludger's shampoo.

The first squeeze only sends out a puff of air, and the next, a few pithy dollops. Julius shakes it to confirm its emptiness and sighs. "Looks like you'll have to settle for mine," he says with a helpless shrug. Julius always complained about Ludger's shampoo and its cloyingly sweet smell during lathering, but Ludger found the lingering scent far more pleasant than his brother's bland shampoo—at least, until now. The simple soapy fragrance as Julius massages his scalp relaxes Ludger, and that comfort slowly creeps through his whole body. Ludger leans into it, sighing deeply.

"What do you want for dinner?" Julius asks. "I'll cook."

"No, let me," rushes out of Ludger's mouth before he can help himself. Julius raises an eyebrow, concerned by his eagerness. "I mean..." Ludger remembers the earlier exchange he'd seen between them (and the coursing jealousy that had turned into action), then adds, "I promised you before, didn't I?" A smile. "Margherita pasta."

Julius gives him a long look, then concedes. "If you're sure."

"Yeah." The panic from before ebbs with the soak. Ludger can look at Julius without his breath catching, can almost fool himself into belonging in this world. "I'm feeling... better now. Thank you. I can do the rest myself."

"Alright." The worry still shows in Julius's brow, but he leaves the room, willing to give Ludger his space. With a deep breath, Ludger reaches for the shower head to give his hair one last rinse. "Ludger," Julius calls, startling him. He looks up, finding Julius leaning halfway into the room with a tender expression. "I love you, you know."

Ludger has to swallow a surge of emotion. Those words aren't meant for him. There's another Ludger that should be in his place instead, one that would never hear his Julius's voice again or feel his touch. The complete opposite of him—and yet, exactly the same.

"I love you, too," he says, around the lump in this throat.

It's a one-way exchange for them both.

**Author's Note:**

> Started this fic a year or two ago, so it was good to finally fix it up and post. I still love these two so much...


End file.
